Dear Multicultural Multigender Millennials,
To save time with all the new labels and identifiers that have emerged for you guys, and because it seems like these days you like identifying as multiple things, I hope you don’t mind if I condense Multicultural Multigender Millennial to Multilennials for future correspondence.
Discussing some of your grievances with the rest of the patriarchy, we have concluded that there is indeed a problem.
Since every cis white male has the exact same experiences and mindset, and because white gays are no longer considered a minority, I can now speak for all of us here in the patriarchy. Your concerns are important to us, and we hope to address all of the points that you have brought up. We are proud to announce that we cis-white males have been rated as one of the top 10 customer service oriented groups in America. To adequately address all this topics, we will have to break them up into responding letters, each dealing with a separate topic of concern.
Over the coming weeks, we will address all of your concerns as they emerge so that we can hopefully avoid silly situations like assault over dreadlocks, Communications professors who are against communication, shrieking at people who believe in free expression, crying over Donald Trump’s name being written on pavement in chalk, etc.
We at the patriarchy again apologize for the delay in addressing these matters and continue to rely on your valued feedback as a customer. Thanks again for taking the time to express your concerns. We’ll be sure to share your comments with the other the members of the patriarchy as they provide valuable input for the future. We will reach out to you in the coming weeks to begin resolving your individual concerns and cultural topics.
Unfortunately, we have run out of time for this letter and need to get back to running everything.
Lucian B. Wintrich
VP of Patriarchy Communications
P.S.Dear Straight People, on an entirely different note, I’m sorry that my faggot colleague wrote this to you. He did not check in with me or our board of directors before publication. He has no reason to tell you that you’re not allowed to call me and whomever I’m sleeping with at the moment ‘cute’. We’re fine with it.
Article written for Republican Girl Probs on March 31st