Gab Bonesso: The Apple Lodged in My Eye

My first encounter with Gab Bonesso transpired at the Improv located at Pittsburgh’s waterfront. The headliner was Richard Lewis, who I would not dream of missing. She went up right before a fellow named David Kay; both of them tanked with everybody who would blow less then a .9 that night.

The next time I saw her was during a brief stint at CBS Radio, she called me up and invited me on the John McIntire show for an interview. I was on for an hour yucking it up with good ole’ John and Gab. The show ended and they invited me on for the next week. That week they offered me a job as a ‘kid correspondent,’ I liked it and accepted.

A week went by and I didn’t hear from them, I called Gab Bonesso and asked when I should be there, she didn’t pick up and ignored subsequent calls. I was baffled. Two months later, right before I left for my college in upstate NY, I drove out to the station with a bouquet of flowers to thank Gab for having me on the show in the first place, even though it didn’t seem to work out as a regular thing. She refused to see me; I wrote her a note thanking her and, while not understanding the shift in attitude, hoping that there was no ill will and wishing her and John my best.

She removed the note attached to the flowers, showed the flowers to John, and said that I had been stalking her and was deeply in lover with her.

Aside from the fact that as a rule of thumb I never date older, from what I can remember from her painful 10 minutes of stand-up, she’s a lesbian; all of her material was about being a lesbian who smokes pot.

Next thing I hear is she’s dating John McIntire, which confused the entire Pittsburgh comedy circuit, one day a card-carrying lesbian, the next in a long-term relationship with a fellow much older and funner then she. Call it social opportunism or mania, its your call.

Thinking that my life’s odd chapter on Gab Bonesso was concluded, I set down the book and continued about life. I had just been booked my second stand up gig in the now defunct ‘Yacht Club’ comedy duo (most likely appropriately defunct as the majority of our jokes were terrible). I digress, as a new comic in the scene, we are already relatively unsure of our material and encouragement is always a courtesy you pay to anyone else in the industry.

Gab Bonesso and John McIntire were also booked as comedians for the night. As we climbed the stage and began to set up, instantly I saw Gab Bonesso turn her back in the 10 person crowd and begin to talk over us to the people around her. John McIntire watched us for awhile, looking mildly humored by our low-brawl comedy and then receded to Gab Bonesso. She whispered something in his ear, and they both left having not preformed.

Alright. So the chapter is closed now; Gab Bonesso told people that a failed-comedian turned part time model 19-year-old was stalking her, a lesbian in her mid 30s, then added insult to injury by being blatantly rude during a stand-up set. Are we finished Gab Bonesso?

No, of course we aren’t. It became blatantly clear that I was getting booked less, and sometimes with no response at all as to why, at various venues around Pittsburgh, many of which she was one of the organizers. I began talks with other local comics who informed me that in Pittsburgh Gab Bonesso has somewhat of a franchise on comedy, as terrible as a comedian she is; she is quite the faux socialite in the scene. Other comics, whose names I won’t mention, told me that many of them had also fallen out of the goddess Gab Bonesso’s favor and thusly were having a lot of trouble getting booked anywhere with the omission of dive bars and crack dens.

So I left the Pittsburgh comedy scene, got booked in NY (which was infinitely easer given that there is no Gab Bonesso in NY), and had milid success until I gave up the whole ‘comedian’ thing due to an apathy for writing new material and growing tired of telling the same jokes night after night.

No longer a comedian, I don’t have to put up with Gab Bonesso any more, right? No. Not true. I got an internship at Whirl Magazine which leaked back to Gab. They loved me at Whirl. They said I could write my own article for Whirl. They wanted to have my babies at Whirl. Then all of the sudden they fired me. Out of no where. It was mind boggling. I decided to pull out my magnifying glass and do some research; it was Gab Bonesso. It was Gab Bonesso and John McIntire who knew the wife of Whirl’s founder. They made a call and got me fired. Fan-fucking-tastic. Thanks guys.

But STILL, it doesn’t stop there, whenever I am mentioned Gab Bonesso takes the liberty of crudely speaking ill will of me. Other comedians have expressed similar stories, just not to the extent of mine. I have no idea what I did to Gab Bonesso to warrant such animosity; at this point I don’t really care; it just needs to stop. Pittsburgh is a small city and it really doesn’t need people running around damaging peoples careers, there are enough for all of us.

As a side note, I sent a friend request to John McIntire after inviting him on a video project (as a thank you for the CBS Radio spot he gave me years earlier) and here is the response I got:

“You want a response? You’re full of shit. “contacts” I’ll believe any actual program when I see it. You developed an obsession with Gab and brought her flowers when you barely knew her. You are a strange and screwed up talker.

Particularly funny?

Seen your act. You’re not the SLIGHTEST bit funny. Spoiled rich kid with no talent.

Buzz off. Get lost.

Professional enough for you?

Delusions of grandeur my friend.

Make that stalker”

As stupid as it sounds, I still like John; I think he’s a good hearted guy whose mixed up with a crazy psycho social climber who thinks she runs the city. Move over Gab Bonesso, we already have a mentally retarded mayor, Luke Ravenstahl.

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